


Bringing an Ice Gun to a Fist Fight

by Tea_Queen_2112



Series: The Maze and Hay Hideout. [3]
Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Background Harley/Ivy - Freeform, Background Relationships, Canon-Typical Violence, Domestic Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, Multi, One Shot, Past Abuse, Pining idiots are pining, Scriddler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22872805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tea_Queen_2112/pseuds/Tea_Queen_2112
Summary: Victor, Jon and Edward are relaxing in the kitchen when an unexpected visitor arrives at their hideout. Needless to say, the visitor makes things very uncomfortable for everyone.
Relationships: Jonathan Crane/Edward Nygma, Pamela Isley/Harleen Quinzel
Series: The Maze and Hay Hideout. [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1605940
Comments: 4
Kudos: 66





	Bringing an Ice Gun to a Fist Fight

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly not sure what to tag this as but enjoy as always. Kudos and comments if you enjoyed it!

Jon tapped his pen on the table. He knew the answer was somewhere in his head. He knew it he just simply couldn’t remember. 

His brain was working overtime to remember the simple name. His tapping must have been annoying Victor because on the other side of the table the ice man put his phone down harshly. 

Jon finally relented. He put the pen down and looked over to Edward who was sitting snugly on the sofa and reading a book. He sighed and finally gave in. 

“Ed. Historical crossword puzzle. Last name. Begins with M. Music teacher. Associated with Katherine Howard.” Jon asked him. Eddie took a moment to think about it, placing his book down. Edward was coming over to him, towering over him from behind. 

“Manox.” Ed, rather imprudently took the paper from Jon and filled it in himself before handing it back.

They were waiting on some chemicals to finish brewing in the other room. Jon was making a chemical for Victor. A potential cure for his nearly and dearly departed. And in return Jon would receive a new ingredient to increase fear potency. A good trade. 

Jon took back the paper and pencil. Ed looking rather smug with himself. 

“You really are one of the few people who keep me sane Ed.” Jon said, filling in the next word while looking at him. 

Ed’s smugness rushing towards his cheeks, turning them red. Edward turned to face the kettle to hide his reaction. Victor seeing the corner of his mouth raise a little higher. Jon smirking.

Victor kept in touch with Jon more so than Ed, even from a distance the ex-scientist and ex professor got along like a house on fire. So naturally Victor was the first to hear all about Jon’s complex relationship with the Riddler. Today happened to be one of the better days for Edward. His cheeks didn’t look as sunken as they had before. 

“Jon, Victor. While I’m up I’m going to offer some tea to Harley and Ivy. Would either of you like a cup while I’m making it?”

“No thank you, Edward.” Victor declined. He sounded as polite as always. 

Jonathan supposed he’d might as well take a cup as long as Eddie was making it. He enjoyed being waited on by the man of riddles. Jon nodded yes.

“See! I’m being a good friend. Going to make your regular tea. Not that poisoned concoction you call tea.” Edward was talking with his hands again. 

Jon rolled his eyes at him. Eddie was still upset about that whole thing the poor love. It was nearing the point where Jon wasn't exactly sure whether or not he was being serious. He was a grown man with the pettiness of a tween girl.

“Oh that was just a jok-”

An explosion from the front of the hideout shook all of them to the core. It wasn't enough to have the whole building come down but it was definitely enough to blow the door away. In conclusion someone who didn’t have a key was trying to get in. All of them were shaken. 

“What the-? 

Victor grabbed a gun from his bag, Jonathan his needles and Eddie grabbing his cane. Three men standing like the three musketeers, opposing the threat before them. Eddie glancing at the freeze ray with displeasure. 

A man held his head high as he strode into the room, using a walk that embodied his arrogance and pride. He ignored all the looks he received on his way. With all the swagger of someone who was untouchable.

The three of them were shocked into place. The man’s eyes were hidden by his hat. A purple hatThe Clown Prince of crime had just barged his way into their apartment and none of them knew what to do. Of course he'd tried knocking before but this was the first instance of explosives being used.

They all were aware of what would happen. He'd give Harley a stern talking too, grab her by those swirly blonde pigtails of hers and drag her back home. Or Harley wouldn't give him the time of day and beat the shit out of him, as he so rightfully deserved. Hopefully it would have been the latter.

“You're going to pay the $250 for the door and walls.” Jon told him. The doorway still smoked and would need at least a week to fix properly.

The Joker took off his hat and threw it without care into the corner.

“Sorry to interrupt you, fine gentlemen, on such a lovely afternoon but I’m missing something and need your help. Where’s my dear Harley?” The Joker opened up his arms, projecting his words around the place, intent on reaching Harley’s ears. 

All of them knew better than to look over to the room in which Harley was in. Their eyes still locked on the Joker‘s funny business.

“Read the rules, Joker.”

Ed pointed out the 5th rule of the flat.

"Under no circumstances is the Joker allowed to stay on the premises. If he is found he is to be removed, effective immediately."

“It says I’m not allowed to stay. Nothing about a short visit. Now I know Harley is here.”

The man had an obsession like nobody else. They’d been apart for over a year now and still when he needed something he always found himself crawling back to Harley, forcing her to go with him. That rarely happened of course. The fabulous Miss Quinn was always able to get herself out of the situation. 

Despite this many of the other rogues felt a need to protect her. They couldn’t help it. Many had heard or seen the abuse she’d suffered. Just because they were rogues didn’t mean they had lost all of their morality. Many saw her like a younger sibling who was annoying as all hell. An annoying sibling you can't help but support. 

“Please leave. Miss Quinn doesn’t want you handling her. She doesn’t want anyone handling her. Why do you insist and pursue her?” Eddie asked, being pragmatic about it.

“Handling?” The Joker said, deeply chucking for a second after. “Oh, come on Eddie. You don’t mind a bit of handling do you?” 

Joker putting his hand in the small of Eddie’s back. Jon didn’t have time to defend him before Ed was prying himself away from the psychotic clown. The Clown must have been drinking. Any idiot with a nose could smell the alcohol that came reeking off his breath. His intentions for Harley becoming somewhat clear. 

Eddie’s face scrunching and going back to Jon. The Scarecrow stalked around the small table until he was standing uncomfortably close to the Joker. So close he could see every scar on the Jokers face. 

Victor held the gun to Joker’s temple. The weapons the only thing standing between him and whatever unknown nonsense the Joker was going to thrust upon them. This cure was for Nora and Joker would do nothing to ruin it now. 

Joker pressed his head forward into the gun as if to challenge the overgrown Popsicle. 

“Rule 7. No Guns.” Eddie said pointing at the board. 

All of them looked at the framed picture. Victor couldn’t believe Edward was doing this. If his goal was to distract all three of them then he was doing very well. If not, then he did accomplish one thing. Making everything very awkward for everyone else. Still, Victor did give the man one kindness and put the gun down in his bag.

Still knives and needles were allowed. Just no guns. 

Jon found it sweet. Foolish but sweet. Ed’s way of trying to get the situation under control was cute in an odd sort of way. Victor being the only one to bring a knife to a gun fight.

Of course, Jon’s fondness just had to be interrupted. 

“What the fuck are you going to do about it dipshit? Call the Police? AHAHAHHAHA.” Joker’s laugh piercing all of their eardrums. Like a wicked witches cackle. 

He started walking about the room and this time the alcohol came off stronger. Victor and Jon now smelling it too. Alcohol on his shirt, only distinct from a darker splash.

Edward shifted, partially gagging on the smell of the alcohol. A cheap whiskey. No surprise there. A hand covered his mouth to stop himself. His grip on his cane began to loosen up.

Jon had two goals. Get Joker out before Ed got triggered any more than he had been and protect Harley from being discovered in the other room.

The Joker just had to be so bloody dynamic. He knocked the head of Victor’s helmet. Joker breathing on it. Making a smiley face with his finger. Victor grumbling under his harsh breath. 

"And you Mr Ice Cream man. Are you gonna tell me where my dear girlfriend is? I won’t kill your girlfriend in response."

Victor’s patience was being plucked away. The man had very little patience for a man who sought nothing but chaos. And the way he treated Dr Quinn. He could never imagine laying a hand on his perfect Nora. Victor stood tall against Joker. 

Naturally, a pacifist against most people unless they gave him a good reason. Unless Joker raised a hand to him personally he would not move. After not getting any sort of particular reaction from the guy his interest took a nosedive. 

Finally he moved towards Jon. His thick needles waiting to plunge into his thick, white neck. Unlike Victor his patience was already gone. 

“What you say, Jon? I don’t want to have to tear this place apart on you.” 

Jon raised a needle to Joker’s face simply as a threat. Joker made a fake pouting face in response, pulling down the corner of his lips with his fingers, smudging his makeup. Jon scoffed. 

“Y’know kiddo that’s not very nice. I don’t personally feel like playing doctor but if that’s what you want then by all means. Ahahahaha.” Joker’s said in a sing-song tone. 

Joker waltzed around the room one more time before violently seized Ed’s wrist. The easiest target in the room. His lanky frame making him easy prey. Besides Harley might be inclined to come out of hiding if she knew her friends/landlords were being threatened. 

“Our first patient must have a sore wrist from all the time he spends in his room, thinking about his dear Jonny boy and masteu-”

Ed worked his wrist from Joker’s grasp, his long-sleeved shirt moving up his arm. His expression was unpleasant with the amount of physical contact. Joker still laughing it off. Ed held his wrist to his chest. The deep aching feeling blooming again. Jon and Victor’s eyes picking up on an patch of discoloured skin. 

Joker moved on.

“And I believe our tall frosted friend may be suffering from a hint of the cold. Terrible flu season in Gotham.” Joker pulled out one of those handkerchiefs that just kept going and going, dabbing the top of Victor’s helmet, wiping away his artistic smiley face. 

Jon saw Victor eyeing up his satchel. 

Joker opened his red stretched lips yet again. 

“I’ll leave. Just tell me one thing. Where. Is. Harley? You’re the smart one Eddie bear.” He shouted her name. The Joker always had a sleazy aura about him. That tacky purple suit, that awful texture of his bleached skin and the way he spoke. That’s all he was. A sleazy clown trying to get a rise out of everyone he came across. 

Ed paled. Becoming paler then Victor. 

“It would be wise for you to go back to your lair,” Jon said. He tried to put on one of his Scarecrow voices but Joker simply laughed at his feeble attempt. The Clown Prince of Crime feared nothing. Not even sanity. Sure it was boring but it wouldn’t terrify him.

The clown kicked his shoes off and sat down on the sofa, knocking over a pile of newspaper and magazines in the process. His statement of his unwillingness to move quite clear. Victor taking two gentle steps to the table. 

Out of all three men it was Ed that had the final straw drawn for him. His mind was okay with the Joker barging in here. What he wasn’t okay with was the way Joker was making a mess. His mind was fuzzy and cluttered. His brain was drowning in flames. The only way to put it out was to get the source out of his home. 

Grabbing the paper from the table Ed smacked him over the head with the rolled-up newspaper. Jon’s puzzles could wait until later. Joker held the back of his head and looked up to the man in green. His brow furrowing like an enraged animal. 

“That’s enough Joker. You pathetic unfunny jester. Harley doesn’t need you beating her anymore so why don’t you just go and-” 

Only in one regard was Harley smarter than Eddie. She knew all too well was Joker’s rage. It was unpredictable.

He attacked Ed, rushing over to him and shoving him back with unrelenting force. The impact instantly forced Ed's body to the floor but that didn’t mean an end to the clown’s assault. Ed’s body flailing underneath the weight, hands pushing against Joker’s chest. 

A fist collides with the side of Ed's face and Jon's eyes focus on the small flow of blood that drips down his nose. Ed seemed like he wanted to fight back, but still, he remained still. Like a person who’d just been pushed in front of a truck. The headlights glazed over his eyes. 

Jon's brain was already thinking of a way Joker off him.

An array of questions push through Jon's mind. Why won’t he fight back? Why is he just letting the Joker beat him? Why won't he defend himself? 

Jon realized he didn’t need to think about what to do. All the smarts in the world couldn’t save Edward if he didn’t take action now. Jon's heart became that of a lion’s. He'd read about that in books before and always found the description ludicrous, but he understood now. The fear of seeing Ed’s blood tipping him over the edge. 

Jon marched over to the two of them, grabbed Joker’s arm and yanked it away from Ed. Joker was definitely the physically stronger of the two but Jon’s mind was made up. Seeing the man he loved being beaten gave him the strength required. He tried plunging the needles into the madman, missing, instead hitting the air beside him. 

Joker was stunned in confusion, but before he had a chance to register what just happened, Jon's fist connected with his Caesar like-nose, sending him falling back against the ground. The Ice man had reached his bag. 

Joker hit the floor with a thud, crying out in agony as blood erupted from his mouth, working its way down his neck. He brought up his hand to clutch his mouth, eyes screwing shut whilst he tried to process the strength of the hit. 

“You straw fucker! I’ll-” Joker mumbled after a moment, words muffled by the hand over his mouth. 

Jon braces for Joker to attack him again but no such hit met his jaw. In fact, no pain bloomed on his face or his body. The temperature dropping around him. 

Joker was there in the middle. Totally encased in a solid block of ice. It wasn’t like the TV shows where the person frozen could comically look from left to right. His enraged face was as still as a marble statue. 

Edward ended up having to wiggle himself out from beneath the Joker’s body, many condensed breaths coming from his chapped lips

Jon reaching his hand out to Edward and helping the lad up. Both looking towards a slowly breathing Victor, holding his freeze gun, still letting off steam.

“I will bring him back to his lair. He can defrost there. The Ice will have sobered him up by then.” 

Victor picked up the body with ease, cracking Joker from the frozen base of the carpet. Placing the body under his arm he made his way towards the door. “Perhaps I will pick up the cure tomorrow?”

“Don’t worry about that Victor.”

Joker’s games were dealt with for one day. They really should employ a secretary to deal with this type of situation again. Hell, even have Clay face from time to time pretending to be Batman just to stop him. 

Victor took the Joker’s frozen body outside and that just left Jon and Ed alone in the room. 

Jon looked around at the mess. Poor Ed had cleaned the place down to the last dust speck and now it was all ruined. The Joker’s antics ruining the place. Books and paper scattered on the floor as well as other things. If Victor hadn’t been there he dreaded to think what might happen to any of them. 

For his bravery Victor needed a reward. 

“Ed. Bring Victor half of his rent.”

Ed still had that half glossy look over his eyes, his hand still rubbing his wrist as if he was trying to remove something that wasn’t there. He only really stopped when he caught his own skin. He placed a hand under his nose and felt that the bleeding had just been superficial or at the very most had decided to stop for now. 

“Huh? Oh...Right. Of course. He’s earned it. Saviour of the day and all that.” Ed moved lethargically. A steady tremor went through one of his hands that he barely noticed, but Jon obviously did. 

With him gone Jon knocked on Harley’s door. Jon felt like a lady in waiting as he knocked on the door. He had heard movement from inside. He knocked again, somehow more gently than last time. 

The vines gently opened the door from the inside. Crane saw them sprouting from a small bush in the room. Pamela was stroking Harley’s head, both sitting on the bed. Harley Quinn was sleeping like the dead. The vines retracting and forming a protective circle around the bed. Ivy’s rage melting as she saw it was only dear old Jon. 

“Is she…”

Jon saw her features. There was no scrunched up pain-filled face. Just as if Harley had passed out from a heavy night on the town. Jon could perhaps in this one instance take no note of the possible rule breaking. Ivy moving out of her defensive stance. Clearly she’d been anticipating his arrival. 

“One of my old plants is still in Joker’s base. I knew he was coming. I didn’t want her dealing with it.”

Jon landed down on his knees beside the bed. The professor relaxing upon knowing she’d been asleep through the noise. Jon knew Harley could have easily dealt with an intoxicated Joker but he would save her the hassle.

“Poor child. When will she wake up?” Jon inquired. 

“The pollen lasts the next 4 hours. By the sounds of things I guess he’s gone.”

Like Jon, Ivy would kill the Joker before Harley ever set eyes on that man again. Sure Harley could handle him but today even she herself said she was having a bad day. A day where the storm cloud over her head didn’t go away. Wanting to spend all day alone. Joker would only have made her mood worse. 

Jon crossed his arms and rested his back against the wall.

“Gone. Unfortunately not permanently.”

Ivy sighed. She wanted to be relieved. Relieved that poor Harley didn't have to deal with antics anymore. That they might go on a nice beach date without risk of acidic waste eating away at them. 

Jon's eyes were on Harley but it was clear that they actually focused. Ivy moving in front of Jon.

“How’s Ed? I heard him in pain.”

All the time the doors were closed she could still hear things. From the sounds of things Joker had gotten a little physical with the prince of puzzles.

Jon held his head up with one hand. Where to begin with Ed. 

“I cannot lie. I’ve never seen him so...Scattered before. He didn’t even defend himself. Normally when his OCD does act up he can still fight but I just found it odd he didn’t. I must admit…I worried.”

The man in green was meticulous. He was a good fighter. In sword fighting, cane fighting and a variety of other defensive forms. He rarely used them compared to his technical skills but his skills would be more decent then the clowns. 

“Oh.” Ivy tried to look for the words. “Well good news. She was just talking about her and Ed’s therapy sessions. They’re going well. She talks in her sleep.” Ivy just wanted to give Jon some good news to ease the whole afternoon. 

Jon had interrogated enough people with his fear toxin to know that people were lying. Ivy was especially easy to read. Her fingers doing a tapping rhythm on whatever surface she happened to be leaning on, her eyes glancing down to the floor. All these little ticks she didn’t even realise she was doing herself. 

What disturbed Jon the most was that he hadn’t even been aware that Ed was requiring counselling in the first place? 

Still he smiled at Ivy and thanked her for the information. 

“Are we telling Harleen of her drunken visitor?”

“Oh god, he was drunk too. Fuck. I’ll mention he tried to call. Not that he was drunk or that he beat the shit out of Edward. She deserves to know that Jokers on the prowl again but I don’t want her feeling guilty about whatever happened.” Ivy knew the implications of a drunk Joker. 

Jon concurred with that statement. 

“Joker will never hurt anyone again.”

Then came a few knocks on the door. Ivy readying her plants for another attack until Jon recognised the knocking pattern. A rhythmic three. 

“Come in Eddie.” 

Ed walking in with a tray. The tray had three mugs on it and a small selection of biscuits as well. Jon’s mug from the Halloween themed Haunted house, Ivy’s bamboo leaf mug. Harley’s queen of hearts mug and finally his own green puzzle mug. 

“Originally from the East. A tradition like no other. Medicinal in many regards but helping one relax is what it boils down to. What am I?”

Jon took the mug into his hand. 

“A nice cup of tea.”


End file.
